My Higher Power is John Stamos
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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