Having a random hookup so left but love u
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
