you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize