You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
