I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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