yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize