i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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