She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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