I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I would fuck him just for his dog
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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