I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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