So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
