Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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