hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
