if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
