I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
