wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
