i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
