the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
