my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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