I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
