We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize