My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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