Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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