I look better un-naked...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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