May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
