Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
