Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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