Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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