If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
