Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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