Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just found puke in my bra..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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