The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
