how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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