She's like a pop up book from hell.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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