you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
