i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
