i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
