: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
