apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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