dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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