1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
