Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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