what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
