Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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