I think my vagina is haunted
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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