He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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