you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
