so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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