Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
