I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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