God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
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