i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
