You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
