Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
