if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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