I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
