ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize