She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
