just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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