just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We are two peas in an std pod
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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