Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
