Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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