come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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