In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
