went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
