He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
